Adoption Books - Page 3

Open Adoption Experience: Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families - From Making the Decision Throug

Lois Ruskai Melina

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 13 Average rating: 4.0 of 5

Open adoption�A Rose Garden? 5 out of 5 stars.
16 of 20 people found this review helpful.

If I were adopting today and had read this thoughtful book, I would jump at the opportunity for an open adoption. The information on pre-adoption and placement aspects is persuasive for both adoptive and birth parents, especially since the author is non-judgmental. When you think about it, open adoption seems ideal for both parties involved. Really a utopia. I get goose bumps thinking about it. And yet. . . yet. . . The U.S. has gone from one extreme of adoption practice (secrecy) to another, openness. Unfortunately, the adversarial relationship between advocates and critics of openness in adoption is exacerbated by lack of empirical research. It is this lack of empirical evidence that should caution prospective adoptive parents about this new extreme practice. Lois Ruskai Melinaýs book was published in 1993, but we have now at least one large longitudinal study on openness. Harold D. Grotevant and Ruth G. McRoy report in their study, Openness in Adoption, Exploring Family Connections (Sage 1998): ýThe clearest policy implication of our work is that no single type of adoption is best for everyone.ý These authors warn that the long-term impact of openness for all parties in the adoptive kinship network is not known and longitudinal research is necessary to answer this question. We now have a generation of children who grew up in open adoptions, and we need to find out from them, now that they are adults, how they perceived the practice in their lives. We do not have such a comprehensive study of their experiences, but only anecdotal records. Even if some adoptive and birth parents like openness, this does not mean that the practice is good for the children. Some research also indicates that birthmothers who see their children suffer more than those who do not see them.
I am an adoptive mother of a secret adoption and was always opposed to secrecy, but since we met our wonderful birthmother 29 years later (she found us) Iým even more opposed to it, seeing what secrecy has done to her. I think I would have loved to have had an open arrangement with her, yet she says that she could not have coped with openness. It would have driven her insane to visit her baby and not be able to take her home. She would greatly have preferred a semi-open practice over a secret one. Incredible to me, our daughter, now age 34, would again have wanted a closed adoption because she does not want to think about the confusion her loving birthmother would have created in her childýs mind and heart. This issue drives one to distraction because one wants a clear answer to what practice is best, and there isnýt one.
Gisela Gasper Fitzgerald, author of ADOPTION: An Open, Semi-Open or Closed Practice?

Editorial Review:

Two leading experts provide an authoritative and reassuring guide to the issues and concerns of adoptive and birth families through all stages of the open adoption relationship.

Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families With Special-Needs Kids : A Guide for Parents and Professionals

Gregory C. Keck, Regina M. Kupecky

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 23 Average rating: 5.0 of 5

A Landmark Book on Attachment & Adoption 5 out of 5 stars.
30 of 31 people found this review helpful.

Two years ago, we assumed guardianship of my husband's troubled 12-year old niece. She was my husband's sister's child and came from a "House of Horrors." Every conceivable problem existed. Drug abuse, domestic violence, sick pornography, sibling incest, severe parental neglect, sarcasm, ridicule, brutality and denial. She came from the inner city, to our sheltered, happy home in the suburbs. It was akin to someone moving to a foreign country. Fortunately, I read "Adopting the Hurt Child." The book was a lifesaver. I do not exaggerate. Social workers and incompetent therapists seemed to blame us for her problems, (and we hadn't had her for even a year). The authors said this is common. Adoptive parents take the heat for the original family's neglect. The authors nailed every single issue, or problem, with razor sharp accuracy. Our niece is an actress with attachment issues. She wears masks. She plots, she cannot "be." She was never taught real love or how to be with people. Her presence in our household really shook us to the core. She acted coquettish and manipulative with my husband; snide to me (the mom). I do not see the book as negative, but as candid. Love isn't always enough. Movies may have happy endings, but real life is altogether different. Sometimes, these children do not get better. At least, empowered with the advice of this book, you can seek better therapy treatments, know what kind of therapist to hire, and sniff out the bad ones immediately. Now, two years later, we found an attachment therapist. This terrific therapist cannot be manipulated. She is both tough and compassionate. We made more progress with her -- in three sessions, than our niece did with a sex abuse counselor in a year. Our niece still has many problems, and time will tell. We are hanging in there. And I still reference this book. It's just superb. God bless both the authors.

Editorial Review:

Discover the grim truths and real hope that hurting children can be healed through adoptive and foster parents, social workers, and others who care. Includes information on foreign adoptions.

The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant

Dan Savage

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 123 Average rating: 4.5 of 5

Editorial Review:

Best known for his syndicated sexual advice column, "Savage Love," Dan Savage shares his own story in The Kid, a hilarious account of his efforts--along with his partner--to adopt a child. (Whoops, make that his boyfriend; Savage can't stand the "genderless" P-word: "Straight people and press organs that want to acknowledge gay relationships while at the same time pushing the two-penises stuff as far out of their minds as possible love 'partner.' I hated it.") Savage doesn't give an inch on the sexuality issue; it's hard to imagine that a homophobic reader would even pick up The Kid, but if it happened, Savage's unapologetic presentation of his life would quickly scare that reader off. Which isn't to say that he paints a rosy picture of homosexual cohabitation: the very first scene finds Dan's boyfriend, Terry, locking himself in the bathroom after a fight over the music on the car stereo. The misadventures continue through each step of the open-adoption process, in which Dan and Terry get to know their baby's birth mother, and the first few weeks of parenthood. The Kid is a wonderful, charming account of real "family values" that proves love knows no limits.

Black Baby White Hands: A View from the Crib

Jaiya John

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 36 Average rating: 4.5 of 5

Editorial Review:

July 15, 1968. It is only three months following the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., and the nation is burning. Black and White America are locked in the tense grip of massive change. Into this inferno steps an unsuspecting young White couple. Neither significantly knew even a single African American person while growing up. Now, a child will change all of that forever. In this fateful moment, a Black baby becomes perhaps the first in the history of New Mexico to be adopted by a White family. Here is a brazenly honest glimpse into the mind and heart of that child, a true story for the ages that flows like a soulful river—separated from his mother at birth, placed into foster care, adopted, and finally reunited with his biological family in adulthood—an astounding journey of personal discovery. Jaiya John has opened the floodgates on his own childhood with this piercing memoir. Black Baby White Hands, a waterfall of jazz splashing over the rocks of love, pain and the honoring of family. Magically, this book finds a way to sing as it cries, and to exude compassion even as it dispels well-entrenched myths. This story is sure to find itself well worn, stained by tears, and brushed by laughter in the lap of parents, adolescents, educators, students and professionals. Here comes the rain and the sunshine, all at once.

Adopting On Your Own: The Complete Guide to Adoption for Single Parents

Lee Varon

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 15 Average rating: 5.0 of 5

Editorial Review:

The first guide of its kind, covering all stages of the adoption process

Adopting on Your Own addresses the questions and concerns of prospective single parents. Lee Varon, a practicing therapist specializing in adoption counseling and the single mother of two adopted children, helps readers make an evenhanded assessment of whether adoption is right for them, then leads them through the different stages of arranging and financing the adoption. She weighs the advantages of open versus closed and international versus domestic adoption for the single parent, and demystifies potentially daunting steps such as choosing an agency and preparing for the home study.

Adopting on Your Own also offers up-to-date information on the latest developments in interracial adoption policy, the legal rights of gays and lesbians to adopt, and the evolving attitudes of agencies and social workers toward single-parent adoptions. Throughout the book, Varon draws on personal anecdotes and the experiences of her clients to offer honest, insightful advice on every step of the adoption process.

Dear Birthmother

Kathleen Silber, Phylis Speedlin

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 13 Average rating: 4.0 of 5

Wonderful, but... 5 out of 5 stars.
4 of 4 people found this review helpful.

This adoption classic is a wonderful view into the post placement, lifelong relationship between all members of the adoption triad. It is not, however, a guide to writing the pre-placement, "dear birthmother letter" that potential adoptive parents must create. For that sort of help, look to Nelson Handel's also wonderfully written "Reaching Out," which provides valuable insight into the process of open adoption for those setting off to build a family in this way.

Better Books Out There 2 out of 5 stars.
3 of 4 people found this review helpful.

I originally thought this book would help with writing a "dear birthmother" letter, but then consider the full title (which isn't obvious from the cover) "Dear Birthmother, Thank You for Our Baby." I had read a couple other books about the emotions people feel from all sides of the adoption triad, and this one repeats those, if not dumbs it down. The letters included are real conversation between triad members, but the author reiterates things that were just said in the letter, like we didn't just read it! Or she'll give a summary of how a person feels about their child or the adoption, then follow it up with the letter saying the same thing.
This book was not a page turner until I got to the last quarter of the book, then it introduced something I had not seen in my other readings. Making Sense of Adoption by L. Melina and The Open Adoption Book by B. Rappaport are much better reads.

Editorial Review:

This is the third revised edition of the open adoption classic recommended by the Child Welfare League of America. Gently provocative, warm and convincing, this open adoption guide includes actual letters between adoptive parents and birthparents, and between the latter and the children they have

The Family of Adoption: Completely Revised and Updated

Joyce Maguire Pavao

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 20 Average rating: 5.0 of 5

Editorial Review:

Joyce Maguire Pavao dedicates her book The Family of Adoption in part to her two mothers, who died two weeks apart. "They both died of secrecy," she writes. "One could no longer talk, silenced by her disease. One could no longer think or remember.... I love and cherish what each of my mothers endured and imparted.... I refuse to have secrets and I work to change a system that perpetrates them."

Pavao is a nationally known family and adoption therapist who works with adoptive children and their families. Her authority and insight come from her combined experience both as a professional therapist and as an adopted child. In The Family of Adoption, Pavao describes the grief processes, dilemmas, and potentials for healing of birth mothers and adoptive parents. A strong advocate for adopted children, she discusses the difference between secrecy and privacy--a crucial distinction in adoption--and lends a strong voice to the movement for openness. Pavao is the first specialist to clearly identify and demonstrate predictable, understandable developmental stages and challenges for every adoptee (pointing out, for example, that adopted children tend to daydream, and may have a more challenging adolescence), and elucidates patterns that adoptive parents may witness as their children grow.

As adoption becomes more discussed and less taboo, the emotional road maps become clearer for adoptive families, birth mothers, and children of adoption. The Family of Adoption is a gentle, essential addition to the literature that will help guide families of adoption along the path. --Ericka Lutz

The Lost Daughters of China

Karin Evans

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 67 Average rating: 4.5 of 5

Editorial Review:

The Lost Daughters of China is that rare book that can be many things to different people. Part memoir, part travelogue, part East-West cultural commentary, and part adoption how-to, Karin Evans's book is greater than the sum of its parts. Evans weaves together her experience of adopting a Chinese infant with observations about Chinese women's history and that country's restrictive, if unevenly enforced, reproductive policies. She and her husband adopted Kelly Xiao Yu in 1997, and anyone curious about adopting from a Chinese orphanage--which houses girls and disabled boys--will learn about the mechanics and the emotional freight of the two-year process. Borrowing an image from Chinese folklore, Evans conveys herself, her husband, and their daughter as tethered by a red string that yoked them across an ocean and an equally awesome cultural divide.

The elegant prose is spiced with bits of ironic cultural dissonance. A discount shopper, Evans "felt more than a little strange buying China-made [baby] clothes with which to bundle up a tiny baby, one of China's own, and bring her home." On a bus tour through southern China, she is one of a "bunch of Americans with Chinese infants singing 'Que Sera Sera' in the middle of a sea of traffic. Will she be happy? Will she be rich?" To suddenly hear Doris Day over the horns of a Kowloon traffic jam is heady stuff indeed.

The Lost Daughters of China is at its best when describing Evans's tally of emotional loss and gain. At one point the bureaucratic adoption process is unaccountably delayed, but her father dies during that time and she's able to sit by his bedside. The most mysterious example of this emotional calculus is Kelly's birth mother. Evans invents many plausible scenarios that caused this unknown woman to abandon her three-month-old daughter at a market. These incomplete, necessarily provisional stories help give a face to the larger cultural processes that compel new parents to abandon 1.7 million girl babies annually. The stuff of headlines--human rights, infanticide, rural and urban poverty--is rendered personally relevant in Evans's compelling book. --Kathi Inman Berens

A Child's Journey Through Placement

Vera, M.D. Fahlberg

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 6 Average rating: 4.0 of 5

Disappointing 2 out of 5 stars.
15 of 20 people found this review helpful.

Although this book is recommended by many as a standard work in the field, I personally found it unreliable and uneven.

Fahlberg focuses on attachment to the exclusion of all other special needs and developmental tasks, and recommends techniques (such as "holding therapy") which many experts on attachment have criticized as harmful and even abusive. I found her account of separation issues to be much less sensitive and thoughtful than that of Claudia Jewett ("Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss"), for example.

There is almost no reference to organic mental or physical disabilities, except for outdated references to "schizophrenic children" dating from the 1960s.

There is useful advice in it, but it doesn't extend far beyond common sense and is undermined by inaccuracies and omissions.

Arm Yourself With Knowledge! 4 out of 5 stars.
7 of 7 people found this review helpful.

This book is a must have for foster parents, adoptive parents, & professionals. Yes, some of it gets very tedious & dry, & the editing is horrendous; but...there is a lot of value here. Not only does the author give explanations, activities, & study based back-up, but she also walks you through her chapters with several case studies. This helps the reader to better apply the knowledge they are absorbing.

One reviewer mentioned their disgust for the author's mention of holding therapy. I have to agree with that reviewer, but keep in mind that this book was written in 1996...BEFORE holding therapy had gotten much attention & caused a public outcry.

This book is both interesting & informative, & I highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in special needs children..

Healing Parents: Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust & Love

Michael Orlans, Terry M. Levy

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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 4 Average rating: 5.0 of 5

Information, tools, support, and positive outlook they need 5 out of 5 stars.
7 of 7 people found this review helpful.

Written by therapists, teachers, consultants and researchers Michael Orlans and Terry M. Levy, Healing Parents: Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust & Love is a guide written to give parents and caregivers the information, tools, support, and positive outlook they need to help emotionally wounded children heal and improve themselves behaviorally, socially, and morally. Chapters discuss the core phenomena of attachment - the deep connection that children and parents or caregivers establish early in life - the importance of knowing both one's child and oneself, basic principles of corrective attachment parenting, attachment issues in an adoptive or foster care family, and much more. "You cannot change others - not your spouse, children, parents, other family members, friends, coworkers or employer. You can influence others and create opportunities for others to change, via your attitudes, actions, and reactions. By creating a healing environment you can have a positive impact on your child, resulting in learning, growth, and motivation to succeed." Highly recommended especially for parents or caretakers of any type raising a child who has suffered trauma or deprivation.