Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
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Customer Reviews:
Total reviews: 167
Average rating: 4.5 of 5
How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk 5 out of 5 stars.
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AWESOME, practical book. I'm a mom and special ed teacher and suggestions in this book are empathetic and consistent. BEST of all, this book is easy to read and FULL of common sense. You could pick it up and get started right away without overly academic dialog. I give this book an A++++!
Works on good kids, highly verbal kids, smart kids - not the rest. 2 out of 5 stars.
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I should preface this to say - it is not for kids with auditory processing problems or verbal problems either. Maybe not for special ed kids or kids with low IQs. Not for parents of kids that consistently misbehave and are impulsive. Well... okay - these techniques probably only work on really bright kids with only some occasional problems.
I initially thought that most of the techniques were pretty much what we do - sans ask him to troubleshoot his own behavior. However, I did not agree with alot of what was said about praise (e.g. "you must be so proud of yourself" not "I am so proud of you" - basically this one made my kid think I wasn't proud of him - "Wow - that must have taken alot of hard work. I'm so proud of you! I bet you feel pretty good about yourself too" works so much better for us). Anyway, that complaint is probably minor in the grand scheme of things.
So, we have a 9 year old boy who lies constantly - and I mean constantly. We have a behavior contract - with levels to get opportunities like watching t.v., playing a video game... We have done this since he was 4. In the last year, the lying and deceit (hiding things, sneaking things to school) have suddenly appeared. We bought this book hoping that we might be able to speak to him without yelling/being negative/nagging/belittling et cetera and get through to him. Basically, he cannot take part in any of the suggestions that the author gives for remedying specific misbehaviors. Okay - so Johnny let Dad's tool rust - logical consequence - clean the tool. So what about when Johnny lies about it - hides the tool - and the destroys the garage in an attempt to cover it up. The author's suggestion - lock it up. Basically, our whole house would be under lock and key - and this is like a bandaid on a hemorrhage. It does not address the underlying problem - and the author's suggestion is no punitive punishment only logical consequences. It just won't cut it for the impulsive Bart Simpsons of the world. We have tried it for 3 months - and if anything he got worse. But, it is possible our son does not have the ability to gain anything from these techniques because he does not have the abstract thinking skills that they require. They really do seem to need a smart kid with excellent verbal skills.
Techniques did cause SERIOUS problems at school. Son decided that the world must revolve around his needs shortly after using these techniques. Would say things like, "No, I would rather read a book than do math" - might work for Montessori but not public school. I am not sure how to get the proper balance - I think using clear "I" statements and affirming my needs, teacher's needs, sister's needs et cetera helped him develop a sense of empathy, which these techniques sorely lack. I could have been doing it wrong - or it is just a personality/developmental thing. I think you will have to judge for yourself.
Now - for my highly, highly verbal 3 year old daughter - they seem to have some promise. But, unfortunately, they frustrate her. I get things like "I don't want to talk about it", "you're irritating me", screams of exasperation, but I suspect they might be effective when she is older.
Overall - the book should be renamed - "How to talk to your spouse so spouses will listen & listen so spouses will talk" - the techniques in this book are highly useful for myself and the husband - hence 2 stars and not 1 b/c it did have some small benefit just not for the target audience.
Editorial Review:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is an excellent communication tool kit based on a series of workshops developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Faber and Mazlish (coauthors of Siblings Without Rivalry) provide a step-by-step approach to improving relationships in your house. The "Reminder" pages, helpful cartoon illustrations, and excellent exercises will improve your ability as a parent to talk and problem-solve with your children. The book can be used alone or in parenting groups, and the solid tools provided are appropriate for kids of all ages.
